Commerce AP – After some of the brashest trash talking since the Miami Hurricane football days, the Hurricanes of Northville have done just about everything besides blow the competition away. If anything, they’ve been on their knees blowing the competition as they are are at a 2-4-1 record heading into tonight’s finale. The Association Of Recreational Men’s Softball issued their regular season awards and President Ben Dover had this to say about the Hurricanes season.
“Sorry bunch of assholes to say the least. These guys are in the cellar of this league for a reason, a bunch of young assholes who are cocky about nothing besides all hooking up with the same 4 girls. What that kid Lemanski’s deal? You’re a catcher in softball ya sorry sob, the only asset they have on that team is Frank’s Dad, that guys a riot.”
With that said here is the awards for this years Canes
Team MVP – Frank’s Dad: Although this is his first year as manager, Frank’s dad has been the catalyst for this team’s aggressive play style. No one has better swag then Frank’s dad who rocks the jorts, flannel t and the 12 rack of Bud Heavy
Team LVP (Least Valuable Player) – Mark Torosian: The .201 Batting Average .113 Slugging Percentage and team leading 9 errors says it all, this prick even announced his retirement half way through the season.
Most Improved Player- Mark Fralick: When the season started this kid didn’t have a clue what softball was. He was the guy that wakes up and pisses himself because he had no idea what was going on. But in the past 4 games Fralick has had 4 hits and has made 3 routine catch’s which is an upgrade from running in 10 steps guys are hitting the ball 300 feet over his head.
The I Don’t Give A Fuck Award – John Parvin:
Kid really doesn’t give a fuck. From showing up 20 minutes late to hooking up with his girlfriend in thestalls to smoking Marlboro Red’s with Frank’s dad in the dugout Parvin is the definition of IDGAF.
The Best Looking Bod Because I work Out Before Every Game-Kevin Miserez: Why give a shit about hitting the ball or making routine plays in the outfield when you are the only guy on the team not wearing a jersey because you want to wear a WLN cut off T-Shirt to show your sexy triceps. Miz is always working on his Traps, Glutes and Pecs no wonder Pargoff’s newly beloved wife might be leaving his ass for this sexy specimen of man made power.
What the hell did he just say Award? – Nathan Bail: Not really sure what Nate just said nor does anyone really have a clue on what’s going on in that bastards head. Leading the team with 6 dingers and 14 RBI’s also leading the team in conversations about IP Adress’, HD TV Screen Resolutions, Shitty Emo Bands and saying the phrase “Ya I love Er”
Why is this kid even on the team award? – Brandon “Big Country” Voss: Since joining the Canes, the team is 1-4-1 and Voss has costed the team 19 runs on errors. Voss also is leading the team with 6 unnecessary dives for no apparent reason. Pretty sure he’s on the team because his girlfriend is the only fan who’s been at a game this year.
Baseball Guy who is slowly turning into Die Hard Softball guy- KrisSkelsky:Thought Dre Bly was cocky on the gridiron? Enter Kris Skalsky. No one plays harder and has as much swagger as the elite baseball stud who held a 6.24 ERA and a 3-13 record pitching at Madonna. Skalsky rocks his A-ROD Oakley’s (estimated $400) and refuses to put the ball in play because he’s trying to go “yard” at every bat.
Nicest Story Award- Andrew Pargoff: You said what? This little dicksucker is engaged? Wow, thats a shock, seeing how 3 weeks ago he was exposing himself to 8 year olds, telling fans to suck his woody and throwing pitches over the backstop. Since being engaged he had a nice game at shortstop and is finally realizing his life is coming to an end very shortly.
Gold Glove Catcher Award- Mike Lemanski: Not really sure why there is an award for a catcher seeing how its the most pointless position in all of softball but if someone has to win it, it’s gotta be Big Mike. Mike has made some nice plays back their getting in front of dropped 3rd strikes and catching foul balls, he’s always leading the league in itching his ass and playing with the umpire’s dick.
The Guy That Never Shows Up-Steve Little: Not sure if he’s in jail, working out, working at meijer or just sleeping, but Little leads the team in fine’s for not showing up and lackluster attitude. When told he was gonna sit every inning the rest of the year he said “fuck it, I got my tree bro”
The Kid Who’s Still Trying To Fit In-Pat Pargoff: The team is still getting use to the little clone of brother Andrew Pargoff. On a poll taken by the team only 3 people liked him; reasons why they don’t – underage, hasn’t hit puberty, talks more shit then his asshole brother and is better than half the kids on the team.
The I look like I am going to the beach award- Bob Ventimiglia: You won’t see this sexy stud in uniform, that’s because he comes to game in his green abercrombie button down, khaki shorts and slick oakley shade’s and no ball cap. Looks like the dude is going to pick up 10 year olds at westacres over playing 7 innings of softball.
What Up Bro, You Wanna Hit This Bowl?- Frank Robinson: Not sure if the kid is just tired, really hungry or high. Last week he was eating a variety of chips, pretzels and cheetoh’s in the dugout in between innings. He has a .989 fielding percentage when he blazes.