Commerce AP – After some of the brashest trash talking since the Miami Hurricane football days, the Hurricanes of Northville have done just about everything besides blow the competition away. If anything, they’ve been on their knees blowing the competition as they are are at a 2-4-1 record heading into tonight’s finale. The Association Of Recreational Men’s Softball issued their regular season awards and President Ben Dover had this to say about the Hurricanes season.

“Sorry bunch of assholes to say the least. These guys are in the cellar of this league for a reason, a bunch of young assholes who are cocky about nothing besides all hooking up with the same 4 girls. What that kid Lemanski’s deal? You’re a catcher in softball ya sorry sob, the only asset they have on that team is Frank’s Dad, that guys a riot.”

With that said here is the awards for this years Canes

Team MVP – Frank’s Dad: Although this is his first year as manager, Frank’s dad has been the catalyst for this team’s aggressive play style. No one has better swag then Frank’s dad who rocks the jorts, flannel t and the 12 rack of Bud Heavy

Team LVP (Least Valuable Player) – Mark Torosian: The .201 Batting Average .113 Slugging Percentage and team leading 9 errors says it all, this prick even announced his retirement half way through the season.

Most Improved Player- Mark Fralick: When the season started this kid didn’t have a clue what softball was. He was the guy that wakes up and pisses himself because he had no idea what was going on. But in the past 4 games Fralick has had 4 hits and has made 3 routine catch’s which is an upgrade from running in 10 steps guys are hitting the ball 300 feet over his head.

The I Don’t Give A Fuck Award – John Parvin:

Kid really doesn’t give a fuck. From showing up 20 minutes late to hooking up with his girlfriend in thestalls to smoking Marlboro Red’s with Frank’s dad in the dugout Parvin is the definition of IDGAF.

The Best Looking Bod Because I work Out Before Every Game-Kevin Miserez: Why give a shit about hitting the ball or making routine plays in the outfield when you are the only guy on the team not wearing a jersey because you want to wear a WLN cut off T-Shirt to show your sexy triceps. Miz is always working on his Traps, Glutes and Pecs no wonder Pargoff’s newly beloved wife might be leaving his ass for this sexy specimen of man made power.

What the hell did he just say Award? – Nathan Bail: Not really sure what Nate just said nor does anyone really have a clue on what’s going on in that bastards head. Leading the team with 6 dingers and 14 RBI’s also leading the team in conversations about IP Adress’, HD TV Screen Resolutions, Shitty Emo Bands and saying the phrase “Ya I love Er”

Why is this kid even on the team award? – Brandon “Big Country” Voss: Since joining the Canes, the team is 1-4-1 and Voss has costed the team 19 runs on errors. Voss also is leading the team with 6 unnecessary dives for no apparent reason.  Pretty sure he’s on the team because his girlfriend is the only fan who’s been at a game this year.

Baseball Guy who is slowly turning into Die Hard Softball guy- KrisSkelsky:Thought Dre Bly was cocky on the gridiron? Enter Kris Skalsky. No one plays harder and has as much swagger as the elite baseball stud who held a 6.24 ERA and a 3-13 record pitching at Madonna. Skalsky rocks his A-ROD Oakley’s (estimated $400) and refuses to put the ball in play because he’s trying to go “yard” at every bat.

Nicest Story Award- Andrew Pargoff: You said what? This little dicksucker is engaged? Wow, thats a shock, seeing how 3 weeks ago he was exposing himself to 8 year olds, telling fans to suck his woody and throwing pitches over the backstop. Since being engaged he had a nice game at shortstop and is finally realizing his life is coming to an end very shortly.

Gold Glove Catcher Award- Mike Lemanski: Not really sure why there is an award for a catcher seeing how its the most pointless position in all of softball but if someone has to win it, it’s gotta be Big Mike. Mike has made some nice plays back their getting in front of dropped 3rd strikes and catching foul balls, he’s always leading the league in itching his ass and playing with the umpire’s dick.

The Guy That Never Shows Up-Steve Little: Not sure if he’s in jail, working out, working at meijer or just sleeping, but Little leads the team in fine’s for not showing up and lackluster attitude. When told he was gonna sit every inning the rest of the year he said “fuck it, I got my tree bro”

The Kid Who’s Still Trying To Fit In-Pat Pargoff: The team is still getting use to the little clone of brother Andrew Pargoff. On a poll taken by the team only 3 people liked him; reasons why they don’t – underage, hasn’t hit puberty, talks more shit then his asshole brother and is better than half the kids on the team.

The I look like I am going to the beach award- Bob Ventimiglia: You won’t see this sexy stud in uniform, that’s because he comes to game in his green abercrombie button down, khaki shorts and slick oakley shade’s and no ball cap. Looks like the dude is going to pick up 10 year olds at westacres over playing 7 innings of softball.

What Up Bro, You Wanna Hit This Bowl?- Frank Robinson: Not sure if the kid is just tired, really hungry or high. Last week he was eating a variety of chips, pretzels and cheetoh’s in the dugout in between innings. He has a .989 fielding percentage when he blazes.

Henderson Field AP – I had the chance to meet up with Hurricane 1st basemen and Commerce Little League Chief Umpire Brandon Voss last week at his home away from home on Henderson Field at the Commerce Ballparks. Brandon Voss is a 6 ft. 4 phenom notoriously known for his 2 inch vertical, botching fly balls like its his job and embezzling 12 year old umpires, checks at Commerce Little League.

“Yeah I keep their money” proclaimed Voss. “I figure why should they get paid, all they do is work for two hours, officiating brutal baseball and get yelled at by hundreds of parents, people really don’t know how hard it is to eat Little Caesers pizza on the picnic table, flirt with my girlfriend and schedule umpires for 25 games per week, its hard man.”

Numerous sources including TMZ are reporting that Voss didn’t even graduate high school. He used his big frame and his freakishly huge penis to skip 4 grades and go play ball overseas.

“Brandon was a huge contributor to the WLC freshman team” added former coach Dicks Hard.

But after a 2 week stint playing in Iraq, Voss finally realized that he belonged in Commerce, Michigan where he could boss 9 year old’s around at the ball fields and be a key contributor to the Hurricanes 2-4-1 record. “Vossy has been huge for us.”  said coach Torosian. His .210 batting average and his league leading 22 errors is really propelling us to the playoffs.”

Brandon is currently living with his beautiful fiance (sources still are trying to figure our her name) and attending Oakland University where he studies the art of nude males. If his softball career doesn’t pan out he plans on being azoologist. “I love animal dicks” added Voss.

“Brandon is an asshole” added 7 year old umpire Charlie Willy. “He’s paying me 16 dollars a game to umpire tee-ball, while they pay that prick $50 just to sit there in his cool wife beater and fool around with my mom behind the snack shack.”

The question remains to be seen if the commerce umpires will get their paychecks from March or if he is finally going to get a hit and not cost his team 7 runs. I personally think, hell will freeze over first.

I am Mike Cox and this is Hurricane Central.

 

 

 

 

Commerce AP – Mike Cox of Hurricane Central is reporting that 5 Hurricane players will be out of the lineup tonight due to some sort of crazy staph infection or sexually transmitted disease that has spread like a wildfire throughout the Hurricane locker room. Sources are reporting that Kris Skalsky and his “badboy” party lifestyle could of contracted it through fortification with a women believe it or not.

“We are still trying to figure out if Skelsky has received this disease through penetration of the private parts , or if he had received this orally from a large black male.” said team Dr. Harry Dick.

“Hopefully it was a girl” added Hurricanes catcher Mike Lemanski, we know”skalsk” likes to play slapass with his infield teammates, and it really wouldn’t be a shocker if he was gay”

“His hair looks like a porno actor” added Steve Robinson. “I said damn son, cut that hair ya bastard, that son of a bitch looks like Peter North from the 70’s son”

Sources are also reporting that Skalsky likes to get tuned up at all of the local establishments, including Sweetwater where he had 12 dollar tab this weekend.

Steve Little is also out of the lineup (aids) Kevin Miserez (Broken Shaft) Pat Pargoff (Herpes) and Nathan Anthony-Bail (Erectile Dysfunction). Hurricanes have signed Free Agent Derek “Aldy” Aldrich, Nick “Tik Tak” Takis and Brent “Jorts” Steele for tonight’s matchup @ 730.

 

Commerce AP – Ah yes, I am back. Mike Cox here with Canes Central as we are looking forward to another week of Hurricane Baseball. The Canes tied the Generals last week 10-10. How the hell do you tie? one may ask, well its simple, we only get 65 minutes to play softball.

But the big story in the Canes locker room is that coming off the last win, Mark Torosian named Pargoff’s son Brayden the team mascot for the rest of this year. “I love dat boiii” said Coach Torosian. Brayden gives us something that we are lacking out of the Pargoff family, and that is he can actually throw a softball and I’m sure he’s working with more than my man Andrew is down below” added Canes hybrid utility player Brandon Voss.

As much as we love bashing the Pargoff bro’s for the “little man syndrome’s” that they both possess we have seen them come along ways. Andrew notoriously known as the prankster of the brothers use to put his pubes in peoples lunch’s or throw quarters out the windows of school bus’ at passing by cars. Pat on the other hand was 4 ft 2 for 12 years and he’s finally now coming into his own. But the most important think about these two, is unlike baseball these guys actually have a clue what to do in baseball.

Pargoff can get to first to third in 3.2 seconds, yes ladies, that’s about equivalent to how long he lasts in a game of pocket pool.  “I said damn son, The Pargoff brothers are the next big thing when it comes to brothers ya bastard. Fuck the steiner brothers ofwcw, or the ripkin brothers or hell even those little twin bastards on the disney channel, these bastards can play” added 3rd base coach Steve Robinson.

Although many can even wonder how Pargoff is parenting a little tike like the B Man, since two years ago he was showing people his junk and blowing thousands away on full tilt poker, Pargoff and Bro Pat’s testes have finally dropped, they have been playing great ball, and are a main reason why the Canes are 2-3-1. I am Mike Cox and this is Hurricane Central.

This is Interim Manager Andrew Pargoff filling in for both Mark Torosian and team beat writer Mike Cox. Those two are on a road trip to Maine to legitimize their “legal partnership.” Best of luck fellas. Enjoy your honeymoon.

One week after the Hurricanes turn things around in a triumphant victory against the same team that handed them their asses a few weeks before, 20-17. The boys batted around in the top of the 7th and hung 8 runs on the opposition. “Our bats our key, if we can swing like I know we can we’ll be all good. Did you want me to take a look at your hard drive later?” Said 1B/OF slugger N8 Bail. “Yeah, I don’t remember much after I changed into my sweatpants in the 3rd inning,” added veteran shortstop and team co-captain Chris Skelsky.

After the team battled back to tie the game at 12 when Andrew Pargoff beat the tag on a play at the plate by the narrowest of margins. I think that may have pumped some life back into the boys. Kevin Miserez, Brandon Voss, and John Parvin sparked the late inning rallies off twice, in the 5th and 7th innings.

Now, big Pad Pargoff, Mike Lemanski, and Frank Robinson have been huge both in the field and at the plate. Frank has had several highlight reel plays at 3rd, Pad’s been scooping up throws at first base, and Lemanski is the key to Pargoff’s calm on the mound. “I wouldn’t be able to do it without Mike behind the plate. He calms me down and lets me know where to put it. He’s the Pudge Rodriguez of the Northville Rec. Softball Men’s Tuesday league.” Pargoff added.

The Generals have apparently been speaking to Dre Bly, as he was seen at the fields last week. If so, the Hurricanes have been looking to slash his tires before the game and maybe a few other things. Here we go boys, here comes another big win.

Let’s win this one for Mark T! Andrew Pargoff signing off. Peace, love, and soul.

Chicago AP – In a morning press conference at the household of Marc Dubowski, we have received news that all-time great Mark Torosian will be in Hurricane uniform for tonight’s playoff preview against Superior Controls. The excitement for the news makes this the 3rd most trending subject on Google behind the Dallas Mavericks and The Andrew Pargoff sex tape featuring him and Sean Clingan.

Rachel Nichols, Caught up with interim coach Andrew Pargoff to talk about the sudden change of plans and here is what he had to say.

“Just got news about this when you guys broke it to me” added Pargoff. “The team is probably better off without the asshole, but tell him that”

Torosian is set to bat last in the order tonight and make a start at second base, for more details check out the CaneCentral.Com

I am Mike Cox, Go Fuck Yourselves.

Hurricane beat writer Mike Cox got to sit down with Hurricane catcher Mike Lemanski last week at the local club where Lemanski chills at, and asked him some questions via our social media pages at twitter and facebook.

Q – Hey Mike, Big fan here, My name is Danny and I live all the way in Ohio, When I grow up I want a job in softball like yours, you make standing behind the plate picking your ass, and going up to the plate going 1-5 every day look so easy. How come you aren’t hitting as well as you use to man? You’re better than that bro – Danny Wylde (not the male pornstar from brazzers) 

Mike – Thanks for the message Danny, really appreciate thefan support. Gotta love that I have my own cheering section out behind right field, the Lemanski Loko’s are a crazy bunch that really get me motivated at the plate. Good question, on why I am not hitting? probably because that asshole Torosian bats me 12 every game

Q – Hey Mike, Nice strike out last night, what in god’s green earth made you swing at something in the dirt? You looked like Stevie Wonder out there – Darren Dilworth

Mike – Thanks Darren, thought it was a Pro V1, that Mexican put it on a tee for me and I almost got a hold of it

Q – Hey Mike, you look like you’re packing heat, do you by chance play for both teams? – Reece Conway

Mike – That’s a good question, but I am saving myself for Stephanie Parker, once she’s done with her current fling with Marc Dubowski and Kevin Miserez, I’ll let you know Reece.

Q – Mike, Good game yesterday slugger, you should be playing in the woman’s slow-pitch league, you piece of shit. – anonymous

Mike – Thanks

Q – What do you think about Coach Torosian?- Coach Torosian

Mike – I feel like he’s wasting some of god’s most given talent in years. I mean I played for the WLN Golf team, and can hit a ball 300 yards, that has to translate somehow? I run a 6.2 40 time, but hell, why not move me to center field?

Q – Hey Mike, how do you think your team’s gonna do down the stretch, and do you honestly see yourself hitting more than 210 this year? – Stan Robinson

Mike – Hey Stan. Yeah I do see myself hitting above 210. I have been working on my swing and I think Ill finish around 250, our team should go 500 down the stretch, and hopefully our team realizes Pargoff can’t throw a strike so they’ll let me pitch again.

Q – What’s up you son of a bitch? I was sitting on the bench the other night, and said damn son, what the hell you swinging at ya bastard? I was like shit son, get me a bat and a cold Steveweiser and I’ll take your spot on the team ya sissy – Franks Dad

Mike – Thanks Mr. R

If you have any other questions or “call outs” on your favorite Hurricane players remember to write to us on Twitter or Facebook and we will post them on our blog. Hurricanes battle Superior Controls Monday at 730, where Superior won 19-14 in the last meeting. I am Mike Cox and this is Hurricane Central.

Commerce AP – A dog hobbling on one leg, an old man with Parkinson disease trying to twist off a Pepsi cap, Andrew Pargoff trying to find his dick, all are cliche’s for one day it is time to hang it up.

At the Northville Recreational Parks, it was time to say goodbye to a “good guy” for the game of softball. Mark Torosian will be announcing his retirement at noon inside the Planet Fitness Locker Rooms TMZ is reporting.

Torosian has had a slow start to the season, and after 5 errors last night and leaving 4 guys in scoring position, he has told the sources that is his time to set off into the sunset, going out on top, where he batted .186 and had a whopping slugging percentage of .269

Torosian will notoriously be known for being the best looking stud to ever play in the Northville Rec. League and more importantly a dominating manager/recruiter where he has united one city, with players from all over the state and gelled them into a 1-3 powerhouse that they are today.

“To be honest? We’re happy he’s done” added interm coach Andrew Pargoff.

“Everyone was sick of his shit anyways, and he throws like a bitch” added emerging star Mark Fralik.

“I told that son of a bitch last night he was useless, I said damn son, I’m 56 and I can get out there and catch more balls then you, you need to take your shit and go play hopscotch or something ya bastard” added 3rd base coach Steve Robinson.

Andrew “Squeaks” Pargoff will take over managerial duties for this staff, and many sources are reporting, that this could be the move to get the Canes back to .500

For now Torosian plans on traveling a bit, seeing the world,and looking for now opportunities out there possibly in men’s putt-putt leagues or beach volleyball.

“It is not how I wanted to go out, but it’s best for the team. Pargoff, is a good dude and I know he can return this team to prominence.”

On answering questions regarding him returning this season, Torosian left the door open added “if I feel like I can help I’ll be back.”

Well to be honest Torosian, a paraplegic can help out more than you can.

Stay tuned to our interview with Andrew Pargoff later today here on Cane Central, I am Mike Cox and this is Hurricane Softball.

 

 

Afghanistan AP – In a city where there is nothing to do besides tan, blow up shit, wack off and yell out funny phrases like “pussy” or “get a car jackass” at civilians as they fly by in their tanks, Marine Michael Bell has been doing his all to interact with the team, and help keep the morale up for the boys in Oakland County.

“I reached out to Pargs and told him listen, I am in 150 degree temperatures, eating instant noodles with my piss as liquid, I eat live insects for my protein, and have to shower with 6 guys at a time, how hard is it to throw an f***ing strike? Is life really that hard, that you might have to take a night off from serving bread-sticks and changing diapers every now and then?”

Mike told me in a conference, that his whole unit watches the Hurricane softball games and the past two weeks which were some of the most brutal softball he’s ever seen.

“We turned it off and had a “manscaping” contest instead.”

“These guys are pathetic” added Bell’s sniper Gunner Rodriguez.

“We bust our asses for this country, and Torosian has the balls to trot out that lineup every night. We have guys who only have one arm and who are blind, that have a better shot at throwing a strike from here to Northville then that assclown Pargoff”

Although the grunts are pretty mad about the team’s horrendous start, Mike told me he is still going to watch, because he loves these guy’s like brothers and even though they play like a bunch of 9 year old girls, he has hope in the near future.

Today we salute you Lieutenant Michael Bell, without your hard work over the years this country would be in shambles. Your .210 batting average at Northern, hooking up with random moms at shitty motels, your cool tattoos that you got at Claire’s and your ability to black out after 4 beers is why we are honoring you today.

This is Mike Cox from Hurricane Central, God Bless, and have a good evening.

Uptown Bar and Grille AP – Rumplemintz, Tequila, So Co, Fat Girls, Inside Jokes, Bromance were some of the phrases being thrown out to Hurricane beat writer Mike Cox on his blackberry this morning.

Several media sources including the Spinal Column and TMZ are reporting that Hurricane outfielder Kevin Miserez and his former roommate and Hurricane free agent Marc Dubowski were out tuning it up at some of the hottest bars in the Commerce area this past weekend.

“Lebron and Wade don’t have shit on these guys” said an anonymous source who broke the news last night. “These guys love to party, you should of saw their bar tabs last night, Kevin and Marc kept fighting over who was going to buy shots for all of the girls at the club, they thought they were big spenders or something, hey assholes it was half off night, thanks for the 2 dollar well drink you pricks.” 

As the news leaked, this story made the Ohio State scandal look like a soft-core porn movie on HBO. Miserez and Dubowski have been sighted many times at parties bonging beers, hitting on underage girls and talking about how much money they have. TMZ is also reporting that both guys have a history of criminal offenses on their records. “Dubowski and Miserez are household names at the Oakland County Jail said Deputy Mike Hawk. “We’ve popped Dubowski for drunken misconduct at MjR movie theaters for fighting a 14 year old at the arcade over a game of Golden Tea, and Miserez has a record of taking his shirt off in public, flexing his arms specifically at local children hangouts like the St. Mary’s Fair and Clara Miller Park.”

“It’s disappointing” Coach Torosian added. “I really can’t put a finger on why our team is so bad, but if these accusations are true it make’s sense why Miz and Dubowski went 4-39 over the weekend and all they were talking about was how epic their weekends were.”

As of now Torosian added, their would be no disciplinary actions on Miserez, “Regardless of what I do, or who I put out there, our team sucks horse testes. Hopefully the league extracts us in the upcoming weeks so we can still get into Thursday night Men’s Bowling”

We will keep you posted as the developing news progresses throughout the day, I am Mike Cox and this is Hurricane Central.